Saturday, 24 May 2008
.jpg)
News....
Brits on alert for Taliban assault. A kind of Rourke's Drift with arty and air support.
150-year-old Monkey puzzle tree facing chop because council chiefs say needles are 'like syringes'. Save the tree and screw the council.
Pork could soon be off the menu if we don't save our pig farms. The effing supermarkets are killing British Farming.
Hillary Clinton apologises for assassination gaffe. Even a dead Kennedy cannot save her.
US drops plans to raid Sadr City after Iraqi forces make a deal with Moqtada al-Sadr. And in a few months the whole thing will kick off again. Until Sadr is killed their will be no peace in Southern Iraq.
The end of the road for British motorists. Car and fuel taxes will have to fall.
Man admits having sex with 1,000 cars. WTF!!!
Zimbabwe: Robert Mugabe shuts church over Movement for Democratic Change link. Does anyone have the balls to give the order: 'KILL MUGABE'?
James May: Bounded in a nutshell.
Indiana Jones and the wrath of the Communist Party. They stand no chance against Indy.
CARRIER UK.....
..this is a new series now being shown in the UK about life on board HMS Illustrious. This is the first episode in 5 bits. If you watched PBS's 'Carrier' you will enjoy this. I highly recommend that you watch it as it is astonishing!!! You will see why. It's about 45 mins long in total.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
The Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Sri Lankan Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" said the teacher.
Who said " A Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
" Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, " George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, " Robert Mugabe to his cabinet at the declaration of the presidential election results - April 2008."
H/T 45 Govt
.jpg)
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: 'They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.'
NUMBER 4 : 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you had me attend.'
NUMBER 3 : 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!'
NUMBER 2: 'Did you ever notice sounds coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?'
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) 'In Jesus name, Amen'
H/T Nebraska Bob
Friday, 23 May 2008
'Possibly' the best movie theme of all time....
...just listen. I think a week of movie themes is in order. Send them over especially as this is Memorial Weekend. I remember watching 'A Bridge Too Far' when it came out and left the cinema in tears. I later did it for my 'O' level history project. It was an amazing, if slightly ambitious op, but you don't win without a little bit of 'lets go for it'. So let us all take a moment to remember all those who fell in the pursuit of freedom. It is ours and we must continue to fight for it.
H/T Gibby Haynes
Harrier sunset....
..what is the most versatile plane ever built? I am going for the De Havilland Mosquito.
Australian Poetry Competition
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
'Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.'
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
'Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.'
The aboriginal won.
H/T Stormbringer
It is time for some heads to roll......
Nimrod Crash: 'Fleet Not Airworthy'. The Government and MOD are guilty of wilful neglect when it comes to our forces. It is time for those responsible to pay with it for their jobs and pensions.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand,
embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
H/T Jackie Gedling
The Luftwaffe have too much time on their hands.......maybe they should try fighting once in a while!
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Retirement Plan Investment Tip.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
H/T Shelly
.jpg)
Introducing Obambi.....
...from an original idea by Shelly. These are not the best photoshops that I have done. If anyone knows a really good cartoonist that can make the Obambi Adventures into a regular feature let me know.
Obambi visits the Big apple...
Obambi visits the White House...
News.....
Tories win Crewe by a landslide leaving Brown in desperate fight for survival. Bury the Bastard.
Yes, this is a REAL crisis, admits minister as latest oil price surge piles £700 onto the average family's fuel bill. Things are going to crash big time.
England will need TWO new London-sized cities to cope with new immigrants by 2056. Not if we stop letting them in. Just how hard is it to secure an island?
Nuclear submarine in £5m crash - because trainees were plotting course on tracing paper. Ooops!
Ja, Minister! Government blows £120million on new computer system which spouts German. Another Government IT system that doesn't work. They should not be allowed modern technology, it only confuses them.
Zimbabwe: Back Robert Mugabe or face war, army tells white farmers. Time to introduce them to the British Army!
Israeli fighter jets confront Tony Blair's plane. Should have shot the f**ker down.
Afghan cricketers set hearts on beating world. There is hope for Afghanistan yet. Cricket is a very civilised game.
'Recent convert to Islam' is arrested after bomb explosion in restaurant. 'Convert' him to a corpse.
Voters just don't trust Hillary. Wait 'til they 'meet' Obama.
10,000 Iraqi troops bring calm to Sadr City. What for? Tea and biscuits or to kick Sadr's Ass.
Protecting polar bears gets in way of drilling for oil, says governor. Expect an eco-loony hissy fit for this.
220 000 condoms off to Myanmar. The UN operating at it's usual 'high standards'.
If We Could Talk to the Animals. Little Annie Coulter on heads in the sand.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
